The Adventures of Harry Bangs
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A Sexy Horrifyingly Silly Halloween Tale:
Standing in line at the Grocery store, Harry Bangs felt a hand against his backside. Without turning around, he quickly reached to catch the hand he felt sure was try to lift his wallet. With his hand gripping a small wrist, he spun around to look into the most sexy eyes he'd ever seen. He let go of her wrist and she smiled.
"I, ah," he stuttered not quite sure what to say.
She said, "There was a spider making a web down your, well, you know. I was trying to lift the spider web away from you. Sorry."
"That is okay. I thought you were trying to steal my wallet." He wasn't sure he had been wrong thinking that, but he didn't want to be mean to the young woman. His stare lowered from her eyes to her breast. She was kind of flat in that department. "But I doubt a pretty young woman like you would be up to something like that. How old are you?"
"I am twenty-three and to be honest I think the spider was trying to steal your wallet. So you want to give me a reward or something for keeping your money safe," she said and laughed.
"What if I take you to a fancy restaurant of your choice tonight?"
"What if I take you to a Halloween Party tonight and you give me a $100 reward?"
Harry pulled a one hundred dollar bill from his wallet and handed it to the strange but pretty woman. Harry then paid for his groceries and the young woman paid for her groceries with the money he had just handed her. She hadn't bought many items and was given $90 in change. She told Harry that she would follow him back to his house so that she would know where to pick him up. He agreed, though he figured he was being an idiot. At his house, she got out of her old, yellow, beat-up mustang and helped him carry in his groceries. He offered her a soft drink and she sat down to drink it while he put away his groceries.
Harry asked, "By the way, what is your name?"
"Sally, but you can call me Hal."
Harry looked at her. "Why Hal?"
"Cause I saw the way you looked at my breast and I want you to wonder if I am a guy or a gal."
"There is no way that you are a guy. Not with that delicate face," he said but now he did wonder.
She laughed and then quickly pulled off her black T-shirt. She was not wearing a bra and he could see that she had breast. She giggled, "You want to feel them to see if they are real."
He looked at her. "Can I? Or will you holler that I am doing something against your will?"
She walked over to him and he placed his hands on the soft skin of her breast. Then he licked her nipples. She planted her hands on his buttocks and squeezed. He liked that, but then he felt something besides her hands. He felt a bite on the cheek of his ass.
He screamed, "Oh!" He told her, "Something just bit me."
"Must be the spider. Quick, drop your pants."
He did as she told him. He turned so she could see his ass and he asked her, "Is it swelling up?"
"It is not quite as swollen up as your dick, but it is getting there."
Harry began to feel faint. "What kind of spider? Call 911. Please hurry. I feel more sick than I have ever felt."
"Call..." Before Harry Bangs could finish saying 911, he hit the floor. He gasp for air one last time. Then he screamed a silent scream of horror into the ether as he looked at himself laying dead on the floor. In extreme panic he began to babble. "How could I be so alive one minute and so dead the next? God, why would you allow this to happen to me? I am pretty sure I was about to have sex; sex that I haven't had in nearly 8 months. Well, 4 months if you count that quickie in the elevator but like Bill Clinton I'd hardly consider that sex. And now I am dead. Dead! Dead! Shit, I am dead. Guess I will never have sex again."
The young woman, Sally, began screaming in horror. She knelt down and picked Harry's leg up. Then she picked up the spider. "Son of a bitch killed my spider." She began flinging her arms around and began chanting. "Let the dead man open his mouth. Open your mouth dead man. Open your mouth so my spider might become you."
And Harry watched his own corpse open its mouth. And the weird woman knelt and blew the dead spider from her hand and into the mouth of Harry's corpse.
Suddenly, Harry felt wet and he felt himself begin to crawl. He discovered himself no longer a ghost. He was the spider.
Sally began screaming with laughter. "Oh yes, my little pretty, my pretty spider, my Harry Bangs." She picked Harry, now the spider, into the palm of her hand. She said to Harry, "I am sorry. I wish I could have found a better way to stay young. The formula for my potion requires an enzyme from the blood of a Spider De Joe right after they have bit a person." Sally snapped her fingers and a small needle and small test tube appeared suspended in mid air containing a blue substance. She took the needle and then pricked Harry the spider so that he would bleed. She held him over the test tube so that a drop of his blood would drip into the blue liquid. As soon as the drop of blood fell into the tube, she twitched her nose. She along with the tools from her science lab vanished and Harry the spider dropped to the floor. He wasn't sure what possessed him to do such, but he crawled onto the corpse of his former self. He then crawled into the open mouth of his corpse. Suddenly the mouth closed and Harry felt trapped.
"What the hell caused me to climb into the mouth of my previous body?"
Harry the spider began frantically trying to find a way through the teeth that once had been his own. He began clawing at an old piece of stake lodged in a small opening between the teeth. "Why in the hell didn't I do a better job of flossing when I had the chance?"
Then all of a sudden, Harry became a ghost again. But he remained such for just a second. Things went dark. Harry couldn't see a thing. Then he thought, "Maybe, if I open my eyes." And so he opened his eyes. Harry looked up at the ceiling. Then he nodded his head and with surprise looked at his own chest. He pushed his hands against the floor and sat up. Harry was alive again and not as a spider. Harry looked at his hands and he smiled for he knew they were not the hands of a corpse. He stood up from the floor just as he heard a knock at the door. He started to walk toward the door but then realized his pants were still down around his knees. He very quickly pulled the green trousers up and then hurriedly fastened a pink belt. Then he took a second look at his attire. "I wasn't wearing these lime, greenish pants earlier! I don't own no pink belt!" he exclaimed as he scratched his head.
As the knock at the door became a harsh pounding he felt a sense of strange dread. He thought to himself, "I am going to answer the door wearing pants I wouldn't be caught dead wearing." Still, he walked to the door and...
The Adventures of Harry Bangs
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